Last Day

Today is my last day as a stay-at-home mom.  I had the son I never knew I wanted in May of last year during the summer break after my first year in a masters program for library studies after a four year break from school.  He is an extremely lovely child, sleeps very well, and although he is usually a bit behind on hitting his milestones (other than growing teeth...he's a tooth growing champ!) he always manages to get there on his own terms eventually.  My husband took paternity leave in November so I could hustle and finish my MLIS (Masters in Library and Information Studies) in two years.  I graduated last June and have pretty much been home full time since the end of April with the exception of a 9-hour a week position in a library for May and June.  I have had the entire month of July off, knowing since the beginning of the month that I was fortunate enough in this economy and job market to land a full-time big-girl professional five-month-with-a-possibility-of-extension library position at a technical college starting August 1st.  I was also fortunate enough to find out that my daycare of choice that I have been on the waiting list for since September of last year finally had an opening for my Silas starting...August 1st! 

I've known this day has been coming...I'm very happy with the care he will be given at the daycare...so why have the last few days been so rough?

I'm not a perfect mom.  I probably leave him to his own devices too often to be on the computer. He's almost fifteen months and although he cruises like a champ and loves to walk around holding a finger, he's very reluctant to walk on his own.  I know he is capable.  I've seen him walk through three rooms and he falls nicely on his bum.  He will not walk on his own accord...he has to be "encouraged" by standing him up and letting go.  Every other child in our life is walking by now...even children younger than him.  I know he'll get it...but I feel I could have done more to get him the confidence he needs to walk.  He also does not drink from a regular sippy cup.  Gravity confuses him and therefore the cups frustrate him and make him angry.  I caved and got him cups with straws.  He's fifteen months and doesn't understand cups.  This is also my fault.  He also only have 1.5 words.  He says mama and I think he knows that is me.  He also says dada, rarely, and only sometimes knows that it means his dad.  That is it.  No other words.  Wawa might be something.  I don't know what.  It doesn't seem to mean milk.  He should have about 5 words by now.  He doesn't.  I try to talk to him all the time.  He understands the word mouth.  He understands bye-bye.  He cannot talk.  This is probably my fault too.  I don't play with him enough.  I don't speak to him enough.  I don't practice walking with him enough.  I feel horrible about these things.  I am extremely pleased that the daycare he is going to is so wonderful.  He is not downgrading by going there...I think they will be an improvement over me.  I have cried about this, but it is still true.  I love him and I know he loves me in the way that one-year old boys love their mamas.  But this is the best thing for him. 

I am also someone who needs to work.  I absolutely love the field of librarianship and am excited beyond belief to work as an Instruction and Reference Librarian at this technical college.  I worked there as a student and love the people and the faculty and the students. I feel that the work is important and I can make a difference.  It is challenging at times and almost always rewarding.  I love helping people and there are many people in the library to help.  I often have first-day-of-work jitters, but not this time.  It helps that I worked there about 10 hours a week from September-June, so it's not completely new (although I only did reference).  It also helps that for the first time in my life I don't see my new job as just a job...I see it as the first day of the start of my dream career.  It's exciting, not daunting.  I love it.  I love this feeling.  I hope I can always find employment when I want/need it in this field in some way.  I am so glad I went back to school for this degree and my first job, this job, pays more than 2x the most money I have ever made at a job.  These are all good things. 

And yet I have still found myself crying as I talk to Silas during our pre-bedtime stories as he has his bottle.  (Yes.  I still give him a bottle before bed.  It's his only bottle.  It will stop soon, but I love him calm in my arms before bed.  Ugh... Add to the above as to the reasons why I am a shit mom.) I am going to miss him so much.  I know there will still be weekends...but the workday breakfasts will be so rushed, no Wednesday morning trips to the playground if we so choose, fewer naptimes at the house, fewer kisses/snuggles/tickles/laughter...  It is the best for me to work because I need this work in my life.  It is the best for Silas to go to daycare so they can care for him and teach him things that I have been lacking in and to be socialized with kids his age.  It is best for our family because our income will be higher than it has ever been.  It is for the best.  But still...I cry.  Weep. 

The past few days I have tried to spoil him as much as possible.  We played outside for over an hour and I let him get into anything non-dangerous non-garden related in the backyard and waited for him to be finished before we went inside.  We went to the library for him to play with all the toys in the children's section of the main branch downtown.  We will go to the park today.  I bought him a big boy sippy cup and am being very patient to teach him how to use it.  I will make him a big plate of sausages tomorrow morning even if I have to get up early to make sure it's ready.  I love him.  I know the daycare providers, lovely as they are, will not replace his mama in his eyes.  I went to daycare and never thought of the daycare lady as my mother.  I just remember playing with the other kids.  I try to remember this when I start to cry.  (Like I am right now...ugh) 

He will never remember the fun we have had.  He will not have these days as memories.  Only I will hold these memories and I will hold them hard and fast for the rest of my life.  Today is the last day of the era of pre-full-time-working-mother.  I am living in tomorrow's history and I want it to be wonderful.  The house may not be clean by the time I go to bed tonight.  That is not something I will remember in 10 years.  It is the fun we have that I will remember and I want it to be special.  I miss my boy already and he's still here, napping, like a sweetheart in his crib.  He was always such a wonderful sleeping.  Sleeping 5-6 hours through the night by the end of the first month.  Usually sleeping from 8pm-9:30am with a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon.  And now I am going to break him and make him get up at 6:30.  He'll be so tired when I pick him up that I'll probably only get about 2-3 hours before he goes to bed.  I hope that I am able to put him to bed like he needs instead of selfishly keeping him up to enjoy him. 

I don't know what this blog will be about...most likely it will be the thoughts of a working mother, the life of a librarian, and the occasional lefty rantings of a disillusioned American-Canadian.  I just wanted to document how I've been feeling lately before it becomes just a memory.